I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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