The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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