i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
