my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
