so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
