At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
