When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
