In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
