why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
