Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
