I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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