Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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