im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
