Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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