Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
