You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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