I will die if light touches me.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
