I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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