Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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