Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
