I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
