It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
