i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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