Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
