It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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