Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
