You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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