you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize