Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Randomize
