upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
