Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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