He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
