i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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