the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize