We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
