just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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