It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
