I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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