Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize