Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
It was confusing and full of hummus
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
