If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
