sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
