I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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