he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
