You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
