I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Randomize
