It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
