dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize