12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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