Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
im holly from the hills drunk
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize