I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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