my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
