new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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