Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
