sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Randomize
