just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
