once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
